TLV IC Inbox

[inthebiblicalsense]

[In a very serious, business tone, Abel's answering machine sounds after any attempted calls that aren't responded to right away.]

You've reached Abel. I am not available at the moment, but I'll get back to you as soon as I can. If this is urgent, leave the line open.

And if this is Fitz I hope you're having a good day.

Comments

[inthebiblicalsense]

I never said it was entirely rational, how I'm feeling. And I don't- [His frown pulls down even more as he tries to work through what he wants to say.]

I'm not accusing you, I'm not asking for you to defend yourself, I just...didn't want these feelings to fester. And while I appreciate the explanation, it doesn't change how I'm feeling?

I am dealing with who you were before, and who you are now, and there are some left overs hanging around that I haven't healed yet. But leaving it unsaid, letting you feel like everything is fine and swallowing it? That's what isn't fair.

I don't want to continue to tell myself I have to walk on eggshells around you, because I don't have to do that. I can be honest, and so can you and it doesn't have to be whose assigning guilt or blame, it's just...open communication, checking in...

I told you because I trust you. Not because I wanted to hurt you or that I needed an apology.

[reargunner]

[There's so much he could say here that he doesn't, that he decides to bite his tongue on, because it wouldn't be helpful here and would only cause the very fight he's determinedly avoiding. He will not do that right now.

He might have to actually thank Wu Xin for those meditation tips. Damn it.]

Okay then.

[And he nods, eases the tension out of his shoulders, and unclenches the hands he didn't realise he'd curled into fists against his thighs.]

I get it. I'm not angry or anything.

[inthebiblicalsense]

[There is some lingering thoughts, he caught that talking to Florian was more helpful than going to him about it, but he understands that. He doesn't have to question that different people give you different things and that's fine.

He does see that Alexei seems to be holding himself back, can see the tension bleed from him.]

No, but you're still tense. Is it because you were feeling the need to defend yourself or was it something I said?

[reargunner]

Both.

[The word comes out easily enough with the last tension leaving as he drops his shoulders and tips his head back a little.]

The last month has been a fucking shitshow, Ethan. If this ended up with us fighting too I was gonna fucking snap.

[inthebiblicalsense]

[It hasn't been a good time, he knows that. He's still not himself either and trying to come up with strategies, worried he's going to make some other mistake because he can't find a way out that doesn't end in failure.]

Well, I don't want to fight you. I love you, and I'm rather tired myself. But if you have things to say, I want you to say them. If not to me then to someone.

[reargunner]

I don't know, I...

[Shrug.]

I don't wanna dump everything on somebody until I have it sorted out in my head a bit better.

[inthebiblicalsense]

I understand you don't see therapy as an option on board because of your options, but maybe you could write it down? That might help your sorting.

I was keeping a journal for a long while before you came on board. I wrote out one sided conversations because it did help, at least a little.

I could ask the Admiral for a notebook only you can read? Fitz got me one for christmas... you could give that a try?

[reargunner]

[He scrunches his nose a little, unsure if he can entirely trust that.]

Only I can read it?

[At least he isn't dismissing the idea outright?]

[inthebiblicalsense]

I can show you mine, if you'd like? [He could even demonstrate writing a line if Alexei didn't trust it so he could prove that it worked.]

It makes me feel better, knowing that it's for my eyes only.

[reargunner]

[He frowns, still unsure, but he doesn't need a demonstration to trust that what Ethan is telling him is the truth.]

Okay. I mean— I'll try it. It's not like it can hurt anything.