[Abel sits a moment, letting what he's said roll around in his head. He isn't sure it will help, but...he's been so honest already, the more uncomfortable parts of himself might need some light shed on it for the both of them .]
You know, I'd love to say that if you asked me to, I would walk two doors over and tell him I have to stop, promise you I'm going to work on getting over this but...
Even if I did that I- [He sucks in a breath, trying to fight the discomfort, the way he can already feel it start to crawl over his skin.]
When you showed up here, I promised myself I wouldn't immediately fall back in bed with you, and it was practically the first thing I did. It was wrong that I did that, but I didn't even think about it when it was happening, how fucked up that was to do that to you. Not until you reminded me how for you it had been less than a day for you, even if it has been months for me.
A-and when I first got here, I promised myself I was going to relearn how to be by myself, prove that I was capable of saying no and I couldn't do that either.
Three days, Alexei.
That's how long my self control lasted, and I was so angry at myself but I... I want things, and I can't stop myself from giving into that any more. Not since I met you, and that terrifies me, but... I don't want to make a promise to you I don't know I can keep, and that isnt your fault, its mine.
[He finally glances up, feeling a little sick to have said it out loud, but he's been trying so hard to fix that part of himself and nothing has changed. It's important that he at least knows before he decides this is what he wants too.]
I'm sorry that you're having to pay for that when you shouldn't have to.
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branchandroot
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Date: 2025-01-09 03:11 am (UTC)You know, I'd love to say that if you asked me to, I would walk two doors over and tell him I have to stop, promise you I'm going to work on getting over this but...
Even if I did that I- [He sucks in a breath, trying to fight the discomfort, the way he can already feel it start to crawl over his skin.]
When you showed up here, I promised myself I wouldn't immediately fall back in bed with you, and it was practically the first thing I did. It was wrong that I did that, but I didn't even think about it when it was happening, how fucked up that was to do that to you. Not until you reminded me how for you it had been less than a day for you, even if it has been months for me.
A-and when I first got here, I promised myself I was going to relearn how to be by myself, prove that I was capable of saying no and I couldn't do that either.
Three days, Alexei.
That's how long my self control lasted, and I was so angry at myself but I... I want things, and I can't stop myself from giving into that any more. Not since I met you, and that terrifies me, but... I don't want to make a promise to you I don't know I can keep, and that isnt your fault, its mine.
[He finally glances up, feeling a little sick to have said it out loud, but he's been trying so hard to fix that part of himself and nothing has changed. It's important that he at least knows before he decides this is what he wants too.]
I'm sorry that you're having to pay for that when you shouldn't have to.