Personal Letters and Self-help work
May. 13th, 2024 05:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
inthebiblicalsenseAbel is, with a lot of hesitance, understanding that how he feels and what he's holding onto, are going to slowly destroy him if he doesn't take action to try and fix what's been broken. With the ability to access a library of resources and the many self-help books at the counseling office, he thinks that perhaps, by himself, he might have a chance at feeling better if he can pour himself into it like he would an assignment.
Currently this project is personal, private and not being shared but if he actually feels himself making progress, he might be willing to share what he's done with others. Notes, letters and workbook information are all going to be posted here with date references of when he's done them. This project is ongoing and if he was smart, won't ever stop. The road to recovery is long and he has a lot of bullshit to heal from. Thanks for that Cain.
As of 6/16/2024 All work that was previously on paper aside from his work book has been digitized and put behind a password protection. The only thing left that resembles a letter is a very obvious envelope that is posted on his desk that is addressed to Cain. The letter inside simply reads Dear Alexei, fuck you, warm wishes, Ethan
Currently this project is personal, private and not being shared but if he actually feels himself making progress, he might be willing to share what he's done with others. Notes, letters and workbook information are all going to be posted here with date references of when he's done them. This project is ongoing and if he was smart, won't ever stop. The road to recovery is long and he has a lot of bullshit to heal from. Thanks for that Cain.
As of 6/16/2024 All work that was previously on paper aside from his work book has been digitized and put behind a password protection. The only thing left that resembles a letter is a very obvious envelope that is posted on his desk that is addressed to Cain. The letter inside simply reads Dear Alexei, fuck you, warm wishes, Ethan
Work Book Prompt 5/13
Date: 2024-05-14 01:23 am (UTC)You are the only person who can determine your readiness and willingness to complete this exercise.
*Are you able to state to yourself that what happened was not your fault?*
Knowing what I know now, that what happened was carefully planned and executed, I still can't shake the fact that I participated willingly after some convincing. Perhaps this is me holding onto guilt, that even if I didn't say yes, I never said no. The word I used was wait and I can't look back at what happened without stumbling on that fact. I was desperate, I was stupid, and I let what happened to me happen because I wanted it, even if I didn't explicitly say so out loud.
I might have been manipulated, but I let it happen. I didn't do anything to stop it. Part of this was my fault.
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On the page after the last sentence is a phrase, it once stated Forgive yourself and has been scribbled over enough times that the ink has gone through the page. He doesn't think he's ready to start doing this right now.
Letter to Cain dated 5/15
Date: 2024-05-18 12:52 am (UTC)Still, his handwriting isn't bad, just not as practiced. He'd chosen a pen so that if he changed his mind about something he had written it couldn't be erased, only crossed out. Every moment of this work, every thought mattered and he is trying his best to ensure that they are accurately recorded even if it makes him uncomfortable.
Dear Cain to whomAlexei,I think this is more appropriate. I knew Cain, but I don't think we've actually talked more than once. What you did show me, I was interested in and I think I would feel better about what happened if you had just started with that instead of what ever the hell you actually did. It's strange, and I don't entirely get why you chose to act like that. Did you think that being so aggressive and crude would create some kind of barrier? Or if I was only interested in the sex it was okay because it was superficial anyways?
I admit that I'm still angry. I don't know what to do with it all now that I can't see you, and I'm a little afraid it might come out when I least expect it, to someone who doesn't deserve it, and that is my fault. I am not the kind of person who deals with personal conflict well. I want people to like me and the biggest problems, the truly personal ones I run away from. I regret it, sure, but there is nothing I can do about it now. I can't get your side of it, and I didn't want to hear it anyway when I had the chance.
Why is this turning into me just blaming myself? Why can't I just hate you? It would be easier. I feel like I could actually move forward if I did.
Maybe I'm doing this wrong. I just can't forget that look you gave me when you slipped and I actually got to see you. You looked scared. And I will never be able to ask you why. Honestly I don't even know if I would believe you if I'd had the chance to ask.
Cain is a liar. But, if I ever get to meet you again Alexei, maybe you can actually prove to me you aren't one too.
Thinking of you,
AbelEthanLetter to Cain dated 5/23
Date: 2024-05-24 02:23 am (UTC)I think I'm starting to realize that I might have more problems than just you and what happened with Project Thebes. We made port in a city not so far off from what I grew up with and I thought that it was perfectly suited at first. Like I was lucky that this was my first opportunity to step out and just try to be who I was again, before I enlisted. We never talked about it, but I had this idea in my mind that maybe once the war was over, I could convince you to go home with me. If I could protect the both of us, get us through the war, we could just go live some normal life. That obviously fell apart, it was stupid, and I'm relieved I never brought it up with you, but there is more to this that maybe I never realized how hard it would be to leave the war behind.
I haven't been able to take leave the past 4 years. You don't just get shipped back from the command center, but I don't think I really had time to think about what it would mean to come back home, or anything close to it, and to not have the structure of service. Every moment of my day was planned, and I had some kind of purpose that I believed in, so it didn't matter that I had no free time. But now I have so much of it that it makes me feel sick. I took this deal so I could avoid working with my father, not have to face Cook and Bering again, because I thought this would be easier, but I feel like I'm drowning and I haven't even started yet.
It's frustrating, the possibility of choice is overwhelming now when before I felt like I could square up with death and come out on top. I'm trying to readjust, but its not fast enough, and- actually you'd probably think it was funny, but I swear I have never been so rude in my life. There is all this anger that I can't put into anything productive, and I'm still searching for some kind of solution. I feel like I'm being stretched thin as paper even though I'm not doing hardly anything, and the less I do, the worse it gets. A friend of mine suggested I try Cannabis but I don't know if I want to try that by myself. Maybe I'll get the courage to ask someone if they want to share the experience, but it's not just courage. There's a trust issue, one I have to thank you for, that I feel like being vulnerable is just giving someone the ability to take that and use it against me.
What you did has this horrible lasting effect and I'm reminded of it every time I look in the mirror. Honestly, it's fucked up. You may have had a mission but I didn't see anywhere in the details saying you needed to scar my face. Pretty sure that was a Cain original. I'm just thankful no one has brought it up. Anyways I just want to put it down in writing that I miss you. It isn't something I'm going to share with anyone else, but I can admit it to myself at least. It doesn't feel right, sleeping alone, but I'm not going to make the same mistake again. Maybe I'll adopt a cat. I'll name it Alex so if you ever show up I'll have some kind of deniability that I didn't name it after you. If it turns out to be a little shit it'll be like I never left.
I think maybe I'm starting to get why this is supposed to help. This one feels better than the first one. Not like you'll ever see them, but that's probably better anyways.
Thinking of you, Ethan
6/6
Date: 2024-06-09 03:45 pm (UTC)I don't think I've ever been so embarrassed and frustrated. I mentioned it before, but I've been having trouble adjusting, and that's turned into mouthing off in the worst way. It wasn't like no one warned me, but there is a man who works in the gym with me and he's some kind of religious ex-military type, though It sounds to me like he's a part of a cult...I think Fitz said something about it the first day I arrived but I must have forgotten. I wish I hadn't. I have no idea what actually set him off, but I'm sure he would have killed me if no one interfered. He was telling me to understand my enemies, that I needed to make a sacrifice to god, and I'm struggling to try. If I can show some kind of good will I'm hoping it won't happen again. I have never wanted to understand the Colterons, I find blind faith towards a cause like that, unquestioning and firm is a sickness, but the more I think about it, perhaps he's right.
We might be on opposing sides, but there is a kind of devotion that is born from faith as well as military service. I might find it sickening that anyone can use god as a justification for genocide, but when pull at this more, we're soldiers on opposing sides with a reason to be there. Just because the war isn't here doesn't mean it's gone or over in either of our minds, and perhaps that's what he wanted... I need to talk to his warden about it more, but I think I'm going to try and talk to him about it again. Changing positions is not the best course of action, I don't want him to think that I'm afraid of him, but god...that look in his eyes when he went for that first hit was terrifying.
I think that I need to start focusing on some kind of weight training. Maybe I can ask Shaw for some self defense training so I can get more used to a physical fight. I'm reminded how easy it is to kill a man when you have no reservations against it. Just like pulling the trigger or lining up a shot just right, there might not be much thought behind it if you've done it long enough. Not that he was mindlessly beating the shit out of me, but still. I'm looking at options. I really hope this heals straight, or else I'm going to regret letting it heal on it's own to show that I can accept consequences for my actions. Its important but I'd prefer to not have that much of a lasting affect on my appearance.
God my face still hurts, but I just needed to think about what I was going to say to Jacob. Maybe I can fix this, it would definitely make my life easier.
Thinking of you, Ethan.