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Abel rolls his eyes, catching the other man's chin to tip his head up just that much more, "you are ridiculous."

He tips his head just so, kissing his nose with a smile, "but I wouldn't have you any other way."

"Hmph..."

His eyelids dip a little when his nose is kissed, then he studies Ethan's face for a few quiet moments.

"You mean that?"

"You know I can't lie worth a damn." Even if he tried it would be even harder to do straight to his face.

"Of course I mean it. Like I said, you're ridiculous, and I love you." He considers the revelation he'd made with Sheehan, but keeps it to himself. He can tell Alexei he made the struggle worth something invaluable to him another day when he isn't so tired and worn.

Despite what Ethan says, Alexei does look at him for some moments more as if he's searching for a lie. It's not a comment on Ethan's own thoughts so much as his thoughts about himself and where he stands in the other man's life.

One of a laundry list of things that has been on his mind of late.

"... Hmn."

Seemingly accepting it, he sets his head back against Ethan's shoulder.

"I still wish we could... start over, sometimes. You know?"

Ethan hums softly to himself at the thought, absently running his fingers through Alexei's hair.

"We could pretend we don't know each other in port and flirt like strangers in a bar?" It's more of a joke, but he doesn't think it wouldn't be fun. It probably would be.

"But...I understand. There's a lot here. It would be nice...wipe the slate clean. Except if we did, I'd forget things...like the first time I heard you laugh, or- or you throwing pillows at me for typing when I was complaining at you for chain smoking with the vent shut." He huffs a soft laugh, "the important stuff."

"Why wait for a port? We can do that here."

They have a bar, after all.

He relaxes slowly under the sensation of Ethan's fingers running through his hair. It's nice. The tension drops out of his shoulders and his breathing levels.

"I used to wake up before you on purpose," Alexei says then. "Not just because I was starting to... I dunno. Feel things that I was avoiding. But... it meant I could watch you for a bit, without worrying about what you'd think if you noticed."

He might be blushing at the suggestion of openly flirting in the lounge. "If it was in port then Fitz couldn't as easily tease me for my bad role playing skills. Hard to pretend to be strangers when you know everyone in the bar."

He has to laugh at the confession, not to make fun, but- "I would wait until I knew you were sleeping and stay up...do the same thing. You look so sweet in your sleep..."

"You mean I don't look like an asshole."

He trips his fingers along Ethan's ribs and digs them in gently to tickle him.

"I see how it is."

"H-hey! I didn't say that!" He snorts, trying not to wiggle too much or else he'll disturb his sweet boy.

"If I did, I'd say you were a hot asshole any way. That's very important."

"Pft..."

He shifts to prop himself up again, though not out of aggravation this time. This time he just wants to look Ethan in the face while he asks—

"What else?"

Ethan blinks at him, a little surprised. He never thought of himself as a very romantic man even if he did have some rather elaborate wedding fantasies that he probably would hate for his own life but we're fun to dream about.

He stares back at Alexei like a deer in headlights before he starts talking. "W-what else? I...I mean you're smart as hell, and you're very loyal. I don't think I've ever believed in myself half as much as you believe in me...u-um." He hesitates a moment, stumbling before-

"And your nose. When it scrunches up sometimes...it's very cute. I look for it every time, It makes me smile."

He doesn't expect much. Just more than 'hot' when 'hot' doesn't really mean that much in the grand scheme. Ethan's fumbling attempt to answer does make him laugh though.

And his nose does that scrunching thing that he likes.

"You're so bad at this. It's adorable."

"You're not supposed to laugh, I was really trying!" He protests, face bright red as he's half tempted to hit him with a pillow.

Except his nose is doing that thing and he instead rolls his eyes, "You're such a brat sometimes, you know that?"

"Yeah, I know." He leans on his elbow, still close enough that almost his whole body is fit against Ethan's side. "But that is who I am, and you already told me you like that."

So there.

Then he looks away, eyes dipping slightly.

"I guess it's just... I've had people tell me I'm insightful. Lester thinks I'm a fucking artist. And Florian, he—... he likes me exactly as I am. And I just..." He trails off a bit, giving a rueful little smile. "I keep thinking that this person everyone is seeing is someone I can't really live up to."

Abel levels him with a raised eyebrow and a look.

"You just said 'Florian likes me exactly as I am' and followed it up with 'they're seeing someone I can't live up to." He gives 'the look' a little harder.

"I know we've established you're ridiculous, but you hear how that sounds, right? And maybe you're not simple, or uncomplicated. So why can't you be insightful? Or an artist? Or someone who deserves to be loved for who they are? I dont think theyre reaching for some one you arent. They see it because it's there."

"Yeah, I said that, and both of those things can be true."

And he's sure Florian would give him much the same look, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't feel a strange sort of inadequacy when he holds himself up to the person that others seem to be perceiving him as.

"I didn't say I was uncomplicated, Ethan... if I was I wouldn't— worry that I'm not really that guy." Huffing a bit, he rolls over onto his back and looks up at the ceiling.

"It's—... it doesn't matter."

He continues to watch at him, though he let's up on that look, leaning so that he's staring down at him from his sat up position.

"It does matter. I...know I'm not very good at this, but I just think that you're so unused to people giving you the chance to be 'that guy', that it feels like you aren't. I see it, I've seen it for a long time, and it's about time other people did to."

He rubs the back of his hand against his forehead, a tiny frown pinching his expression as he keeps his gaze pointed upwards.

"I was that guy, I... I guess. Before. I had friends, all that stuff, I... I was like this. But... it never felt like I could let anyone down."

Trying to explain it is hard.

"Does that make sense?"

Oh, he gets it. He gets it all to well.

"It does. It does a lot..." and he has no idea how to get passed that because he's still comparing himself to before and after as well. "But...I think you need to give yourself space to be comfortable being him again. You're putting in all this work and not letting yourself breathe. Partly because when is there time to, but...it's been one thing after another."

A soft snort.

Putting in all this work, huh. He lets his eyes close for a moment, but he's nowhere near being able to actually fall asleep despite how tired he is.

"Lemme ask you something. And this isn't— it's not for an argument."

His eyes open and he turns his head a bit to look at Ethan.

"What do you think I'm making an effort for?"

Abel had been gently scratching at his scalp, leaning back and resting when the question comes and opens his eyes, looking down at him.

"What for? I...I'd like to think you're doing it for you. Thinking of my own self, I have plenty of reasons to work on myself, but...to feel comfortable, normal? That's...what I want. But for you? I'd think you want to have a normal where you don't have to fight for it all the time."

He rarely ever sees him relax unless he's here, or their alone. Sometimes it happens where he can see it, and he'd like to think it does when he can't, but he couldn't know. "Am I off base?"

He thinks about it for a couple of seconds. There could have been any number of possible responses to that and that one, while likely, was not that far out in front in terms of which one Alexei thought Ethan would pick.

"No, you're about right."

More or less.

"Don't know how far I can take it here, though."

"As far as you can is still a change from where you were before," he says quietly, even if he knows that's not what he'd like to hear himself, "I've been told over and over again that I need to be patient with myself, that change like this is a process, but it gets frustrating still, regardless."

He keeps feeling like he's not doing enough, or that he's lagging behind because he's told to focus on certain things at a time, but it doesn't make the feeling of not being enough or putting enough effort in go away.

He doesn't say anything to that, because the topic is starting to drift over to the kinds of things he and Ethan will never see eye to eye on about the Barge and he's too tired for those kinds of things.

"Mmn. I'm gonna try to get some sleep."

This whole evening has been utterly exhausting.

"Will you still be here in the morning?"

Abel hadn't even been thinking about any of this in terms of the barge, self reflection and growth was just something that people did, right? But he doesn't question him dropping the subject, pushing the other man's bangs out of his face.

"I'm working tomorrow morning, but I'll set my alarm a little early so I can make sure to cuddle you before I have to get up. Is that acceptable?" The last bit is said with a smile, figuring it would be, but Alexei tended to not want to let him get out of bed in the mornings, so he has to ask.

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reargunner - 2025-03-24 13:52 (UTC) - Expand