inthebiblicalsense | TLV IC Inbox

Entry tags:

cw:sa,
tlv

TLV IC Inbox

[In a very serious, business tone, Abel's answering machine sounds after any attempted calls that aren't responded to right away.]

You've reached Abel. I am not available at the moment, but I'll get back to you as soon as I can. If this is urgent, leave the line open.

And if this is Fitz I hope you're having a good day.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Abel levels him with a raised eyebrow and a look.

"You just said 'Florian likes me exactly as I am' and followed it up with 'they're seeing someone I can't live up to." He gives 'the look' a little harder.

"I know we've established you're ridiculous, but you hear how that sounds, right? And maybe you're not simple, or uncomplicated. So why can't you be insightful? Or an artist? Or someone who deserves to be loved for who they are? I dont think theyre reaching for some one you arent. They see it because it's there."

"Yeah, I said that, and both of those things can be true."

And he's sure Florian would give him much the same look, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't feel a strange sort of inadequacy when he holds himself up to the person that others seem to be perceiving him as.

"I didn't say I was uncomplicated, Ethan... if I was I wouldn't— worry that I'm not really that guy." Huffing a bit, he rolls over onto his back and looks up at the ceiling.

"It's—... it doesn't matter."

He continues to watch at him, though he let's up on that look, leaning so that he's staring down at him from his sat up position.

"It does matter. I...know I'm not very good at this, but I just think that you're so unused to people giving you the chance to be 'that guy', that it feels like you aren't. I see it, I've seen it for a long time, and it's about time other people did to."

He rubs the back of his hand against his forehead, a tiny frown pinching his expression as he keeps his gaze pointed upwards.

"I was that guy, I... I guess. Before. I had friends, all that stuff, I... I was like this. But... it never felt like I could let anyone down."

Trying to explain it is hard.

"Does that make sense?"

Oh, he gets it. He gets it all to well.

"It does. It does a lot..." and he has no idea how to get passed that because he's still comparing himself to before and after as well. "But...I think you need to give yourself space to be comfortable being him again. You're putting in all this work and not letting yourself breathe. Partly because when is there time to, but...it's been one thing after another."

A soft snort.

Putting in all this work, huh. He lets his eyes close for a moment, but he's nowhere near being able to actually fall asleep despite how tired he is.

"Lemme ask you something. And this isn't— it's not for an argument."

His eyes open and he turns his head a bit to look at Ethan.

"What do you think I'm making an effort for?"

Abel had been gently scratching at his scalp, leaning back and resting when the question comes and opens his eyes, looking down at him.

"What for? I...I'd like to think you're doing it for you. Thinking of my own self, I have plenty of reasons to work on myself, but...to feel comfortable, normal? That's...what I want. But for you? I'd think you want to have a normal where you don't have to fight for it all the time."

He rarely ever sees him relax unless he's here, or their alone. Sometimes it happens where he can see it, and he'd like to think it does when he can't, but he couldn't know. "Am I off base?"

He thinks about it for a couple of seconds. There could have been any number of possible responses to that and that one, while likely, was not that far out in front in terms of which one Alexei thought Ethan would pick.

"No, you're about right."

More or less.

"Don't know how far I can take it here, though."

"As far as you can is still a change from where you were before," he says quietly, even if he knows that's not what he'd like to hear himself, "I've been told over and over again that I need to be patient with myself, that change like this is a process, but it gets frustrating still, regardless."

He keeps feeling like he's not doing enough, or that he's lagging behind because he's told to focus on certain things at a time, but it doesn't make the feeling of not being enough or putting enough effort in go away.

He doesn't say anything to that, because the topic is starting to drift over to the kinds of things he and Ethan will never see eye to eye on about the Barge and he's too tired for those kinds of things.

"Mmn. I'm gonna try to get some sleep."

This whole evening has been utterly exhausting.

"Will you still be here in the morning?"

Abel hadn't even been thinking about any of this in terms of the barge, self reflection and growth was just something that people did, right? But he doesn't question him dropping the subject, pushing the other man's bangs out of his face.

"I'm working tomorrow morning, but I'll set my alarm a little early so I can make sure to cuddle you before I have to get up. Is that acceptable?" The last bit is said with a smile, figuring it would be, but Alexei tended to not want to let him get out of bed in the mornings, so he has to ask.

"Mmhm."

The time would certainly be taken whether Ethan set his alarm early or not and he makes absolutely no promises about overshooting his alotted time before the other man starts nudging at him and trying to get up.

"Yeah, sounds good to me."

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

TLV IC Inbox

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject