inthebiblicalsense | TLV IC Inbox

So, checking in with you was already on my list for today (it's not a very long list, I've got time available.) And then I got an interesting text from my inmate. You free?

[Maggie, you're very good at making sure he doesn't feel like he's being a burden. He appreciates it. He might look like he hasn't slept much in days, and he's definitely holed up in his room, working on something or another, but he'll definitely come out for this.]

I am. You have a preference for where I should meet with you? I just have to make myself presentable and I'm all yours.

Are you more in the mood for sitting still or taking a walk?

I could take a walk. Maybe not a particularly strenuous one, but a walk sounds nice.

Fetch and I will meet you at the Enclosure.

She'll head up as soon as she's thrown some snacks and drinks in her backpack.

The quick shower he takes isn't quite what he wants, but it's utilitarian. He feels like, despite all this free time, he's taken steps backward just so he can stop thinking about bothering Fitz all the time. Give him time to process, give him time to exist with the new reality. It's difficult and feels wrong, but he's thinking that Sweeney is right, and despite what he'd said about failure, Abel feels like he's done a lot of that lately, and trying to put his best foot forward by not moving at all seems best for now.

It's just him when he shows up, shorts, his running shoes, a T-shirt. The off-look from his usual put together is finished off with the tired look on his face he can't seem to shake.

"Hey, you look like your prepared for a day trip, hopefully I wasn't supposed to bring anything else."

"Don't be silly, I just brought a couple snacks. We can eat them whenever we feel like am taking a break."

Fetch is loose, her leash sticking out of the side pocket of Maggie's bag, so the dog comes trotting right up to Abel with her tail wagging.

And Maggie will wait till they're through the Enclosure door, in a forest of towering redwoods, to say, "Red reached out, out of the blue, to offer his consent to tell you anything I want to about our pairing. He thinks there's a chance I could help you find your footing. And he knows his privacy matters to me, so he gave me permission not to be so careful with my words."

Having crouched down to give Fetch plenty of pets, he stands to follow her in, his shoulders untensing as the smell of the woods hits him when it materializes. Air this clean always felt like some kind of drug, still so used to the recycled air used in space travel.

"I was talking with him the other day...Honestly, I was a little surprised he offered it, but I'm... I appreciate it a lot, and I hope he knows how much. Can't really say much aside from thank you unless you can think of something he'd appreciate more." His entire lack of experience seems to be this mass weight on his shoulders when it comes to his task, and yet he isn't sure experience would help him much at all either with Fitz. Maybe it was better to stumble with him, but until anything happened at all, he wouldn't know.

"Both of us agreed it might do you some good to look through other lenses. Neither you or I are going to violate Fitz's trust by delving too deeply into your pairing. Which leaves mine, and the same violation of trust concern. So he gave us the option, and I'm an open book if you want one."

Maggie considers a second. "I was surprised he offered. And he wouldn't have done it if he expected anything in return. Deals are important, and he always negotiates them in advance, never springs costs on you after the fact. And I'm not always good at predicting what he'll want to accept as thanks."

"If I'm being completely honest, I don't even know where to start as far as asking for advice that might be relevant. I was only in the rotation once, and it didn't go that well with Silver. In fact he felt he needed to make sure I was aware how easily and thoroughly he could hurt me if he wanted to." Which, given how he already knows he's going to have to immediately shift gears with Fitz, might not be an issue, but physical violence wasn't really what he was worried about.

He remembers the part of their conversation when he'd asked Sweeney for a favor, the way he'd talked about it, he could see it was different, important to lay things out. It hadn't gotten anywhere, seeing as his request was shrugged off, but perhaps sometime he might have to, and it's good to know he is rather fair with them. "I don't like getting something for nothing, it never sits quite right, but I am getting more familiar with the concept." Having friends and people he could lean on for more than just military support, more personal things was a slow transition, but he'd get there sometime.

"Did Red mention we used to sleep together?" Maggie wonders. "I know you weren't sleeping with Fitz, no need to hurry and assure me of that. He told me so before you were paired. He doesn't always tell me who he sleeps with, but he never lies when he volunteers the information."

Sex isn't the point of bringing this up. "It's just... I am entirely too familiar with an unexpected pairing muddying the waters, taking something good and easy and making a complicated, painful mess of it. That's probably why Red gave me permission to discuss things with you."

"He did. A long time ago, actually. Back in port, he'd warned me to be careful about who I slept with, since I'd agreed it would be difficult to start something and then all of a sudden stop." He's not interested in discussing his very limited sex life on board, which is honestly driving him a little crazy along with the rest of everything, but he gets why she brings it up. "I've been trying to be careful about that with inmates, I think too careful, which is what offended Silver in the first place, but I understand."

He sighs, starting to walk just so he can move away from every last thing he said, as if that will help, but he shouldn't hold back on this. Regardless of how embarrassing or upset he was about the whole thing, what good was asking for advice if you couldn't be honest?

"It's probably obvious to everyone, but I didn't have friends before I came here. At least, not like this. I knew people, but...knowing Fitz was like taking the exact opposite of everything I'm familiar with and making it safe. I'm struggling with the loss of that." And everyone keeps telling him that it isn't about him, it's about Fitz, but what kind of help will he be if he can't move on from this? Fitz needed time, he'd try and give it to him, but in the mean time the only thing he had left to work on was himself.

"So...how did you get through that? Because I can't really see out of it right now."

"I thought I was careful. We had chemistry when I was his temp, and I told Tim, my boyfriend at the time, that I didn't know whether I wanted the Admiral to pair us so I could take care of him or leave us unpaired so I could sleep with him. Waited multiple pairing days after our assignment ended before falling into bed with him, because he deserved a warden and he was one of those people I was immediately ready to fight for. I wanted to punch his last warden after a single conversation with Red."

Frankly she'd like to lodge a complaint that the version who showed up later had no memory of screwing over her inmate, so she just had to swallow her anger some more instead of finally getting to vent a little of it.

"We finally got paired a couple months after we started having sex, and we both still miss what we had before, almost two years later. I wonder semi-regularly if he wishes I weren't his warden. But I'm too stubborn and care too much to send him back to the temp rotation even if the Admiral were willing to unpair us. He spent two years in an endless rotation. He's not spending more there if I can help it."

She closes her eyes for a second, bracing against the memory. "Our first month paired was absolutely awful, but not through... either of our faults. The timing could not have been worse, trying to figure out how to support each other as we both fell apart, in the immediate aftermath of losing the way we used to."

"I suppose that would be rather frustrating, all those months..." He'd not allowed to do much more than look for now, though the more stressed he got, the more tempting things got, and now, he supposed he could let the lead go if he really wanted. The thought still made him kind of uncomfortable, but he hoped that if he really wasn't into it, he'd be able to tell himself no when a chance came up.

"Do you know who Fitz's previous warden was, by the way? He mentioned it when I gave him his file, and I didn't even realize he'd had one before. It...hadn't come up in conversation." Since he'd been trying very hard to leave that dynamic out of their friendship, but here they were with it wedged in the middle.

"I...think I understand that a little. This entire time I've kind of just caught myself thinking about going and talking with Fitz, or listening to something with him, and that's not an option right now. I'm not sure it will be any more, at least not like it used to." And there is that growing fear that he's not going to find something like that with anyone else for a very long time, because how could you replace that? It was impossible.

"Losing that is the worst feeling. I'm hoping you get it back, even if it might not be exactly the same." She'll elaborate on that atrocious month if he's interested. But for now, she'll answer the question.

"And his last warden was Shen Wei. He was demoted just after I arrived, so I never saw what they were like together. I hadn't even met either of them when they were still paired. You can touch base with Shen Wei, but I don't know that he'll have anything useful to say."

She purses her lips. "Most permanent pairings are good, but every once in awhile I question one. Red's previous warden was a mess, and he twisted Red up because he wasn't in any state to support someone here. I'm fond of Shen Wei; he was my brother in the last breach, and I've been fretting about him from a distance since Tim left. ...One of my boyfriends on the Barge was Shen Wei's inmate, and then the other was his warden. But Shen Wei and Fitz were probably like oil and water. I think your chances of getting through to him eventually are much higher."

Edited 2024-08-10 07:04 (UTC)

"We'll see what happens, but I'm not holding my breath. He barely wants to look at me at the moment, which I suppose is fair considering everything else." Or rather, considering it's Fitz and his opinion on the whole system. Perhaps he'll take some pity on him, but currently he isn't sure how to move forward with that, so gathering information in the mean time, he can do.

"I think it would be good to at least talk to him, see what he did that wasn't working." But, it makes him wonder if this choice of both of them was a good idea at all. "Fitz asked me to request it be terminated. I think he already knew what my answer would be, but it makes me feel like it isn't the right choice either, but I'm not going to give up on it, especially not this early." Even if it hurt, Fitz was worth it anyways.

He tilts his head back, looking far up into the canopy, seeing the sky between the blanket of trees and takes in another deep breath, "Anything in particular you think worked well in the beginning with a rough start?"

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