TLV IC Inbox

[inthebiblicalsense]

[In a very serious, business tone, Abel's answering machine sounds after any attempted calls that aren't responded to right away.]

You've reached Abel. I am not available at the moment, but I'll get back to you as soon as I can. If this is urgent, leave the line open.

And if this is Fitz I hope you're having a good day.

Comments

[reargunner]

[Alexei blinks, raising one eyebrow slightly.]

I'm not gonna tell you that you can't.

[But aside from not finding Abel intimidating in the slightest, he doesn't think Florian will find any amusement in the 'threat' either.]

But I'm sure he wouldn't do a thing to cause me harm. Entirely sure.

[inthebiblicalsense]

That's what I thought of myself and you. Entirely sure that I wouldn't, made it a priority not to in my own way, and yet here we are. I'm not saying I expect he will, I trust him to take care with you, but I would feel odd if I didn't at least say something.

[And he isn't looking to threaten him, no. Perhaps tell him that Alexei can certainly take care of himself, but there was something that he felt Florian should know about himself in the event that something does happen, even accidental if he were to witness it.]

[reargunner]

['Here we are', he says, and Alexei's eyes flick away while he makes a small face. Yeah, here they are, but he knew how things would be with Florian going in.]

Whatever you feel you gotta do.

[He's sure he'll hear about it, one way or another.]

Like I said, I'm not going to try to stop you.

[inthebiblicalsense]

[Abel is quiet a moment, considering before a few different pieces come into place that he'd not given much attention to.

He'd given himself a nonactive role in this conversation because he felt like that was what was required of him, to prove to Alexei that it was fine, and yet? He doesn't want to continue to have these misunderstandings and sit on things like he has been. He needs to be better about communication. He does. They both do. He takes in a deep breath, holds that pillow and looks across at Alexei.]

Can I- I'm not upset about Florian, I want to be clear on that, but I realize I'm trying to bully myself into being more fine with this conversation than I actually am... and not saying something is a disservice to both of us in trying to be better at communication.

[reargunner]

[And there it is.

He should have known Abel seemed way too fine about everything he was saying. Still, Alexei is determined that he is not going to make a repeat of the first time, if only because he's entirely exhausted of stretching his emotional capacity to its absolute limit while having no control over the situations he's being put into.]

All right.

[Still pointedly calm, he makes a small gesture for the other man to continue.]

[inthebiblicalsense]

[That pointed calm feels strange, and perhaps it's just a departure from how things used to be but it's making him frustrated in a way he knows it shouldn't.

He's not going to get worked up, he's calm, this is fine.]

When we talked about this last time, I said let me know if things changed, and you did...but- [He frowns, staring into his lap.]

I was very clear that I didn't say anything to Norton until I talked to you about it, because It felt disrespectful. And I know I fucked all of that up, but we've been through this, I acknowledged my mistakes, I apologized for them and I've been trying to fix what I broke.

So when you start this conversation and...essentially do the same thing, but also don't even let me know before Florian does, that feels...deliberate, intentional and m-maybe it's because of how I've felt in the past, like I'm always the last to know, but...I don't like that. It feels isolating, or like I'm an after thought.

And I understand that probably wasn't your intention, but that's how it feels all the same.

[reargunner]

[He takes a moment. Presses down the immediate annoyance that bubbles up with the suspicion that Abel had not been listening beyond what he needed to hear to get his own feelings bruised.

There's a soft breath, in, then out.]

I told you that I was going to break things off with him. Even if that isn't how things went, why would I come to you first to talk about that when you would have told me not to, and that would have been the last thing I wanted to hear.

[He's not looking at Abel directly, rather focusing on something on the other side of the room.]

I spoke to him an hour ago and then came straight here. No middle men, no taking my time to figure out how I was gonna say it. Things changed in a way I didn't expect them to and I told you, immediately. Thinking I'd do it this way because I was deliberately trying to get back at you is— [His voice goes a little tense. He forces it back.]

That isn't fair.

[inthebiblicalsense]

I never said it was entirely rational, how I'm feeling. And I don't- [His frown pulls down even more as he tries to work through what he wants to say.]

I'm not accusing you, I'm not asking for you to defend yourself, I just...didn't want these feelings to fester. And while I appreciate the explanation, it doesn't change how I'm feeling?

I am dealing with who you were before, and who you are now, and there are some left overs hanging around that I haven't healed yet. But leaving it unsaid, letting you feel like everything is fine and swallowing it? That's what isn't fair.

I don't want to continue to tell myself I have to walk on eggshells around you, because I don't have to do that. I can be honest, and so can you and it doesn't have to be whose assigning guilt or blame, it's just...open communication, checking in...

I told you because I trust you. Not because I wanted to hurt you or that I needed an apology.

[reargunner]

[There's so much he could say here that he doesn't, that he decides to bite his tongue on, because it wouldn't be helpful here and would only cause the very fight he's determinedly avoiding. He will not do that right now.

He might have to actually thank Wu Xin for those meditation tips. Damn it.]

Okay then.

[And he nods, eases the tension out of his shoulders, and unclenches the hands he didn't realise he'd curled into fists against his thighs.]

I get it. I'm not angry or anything.

[inthebiblicalsense]

[There is some lingering thoughts, he caught that talking to Florian was more helpful than going to him about it, but he understands that. He doesn't have to question that different people give you different things and that's fine.

He does see that Alexei seems to be holding himself back, can see the tension bleed from him.]

No, but you're still tense. Is it because you were feeling the need to defend yourself or was it something I said?

[reargunner]

Both.

[The word comes out easily enough with the last tension leaving as he drops his shoulders and tips his head back a little.]

The last month has been a fucking shitshow, Ethan. If this ended up with us fighting too I was gonna fucking snap.

[inthebiblicalsense]

[It hasn't been a good time, he knows that. He's still not himself either and trying to come up with strategies, worried he's going to make some other mistake because he can't find a way out that doesn't end in failure.]

Well, I don't want to fight you. I love you, and I'm rather tired myself. But if you have things to say, I want you to say them. If not to me then to someone.

[reargunner]

I don't know, I...

[Shrug.]

I don't wanna dump everything on somebody until I have it sorted out in my head a bit better.

[inthebiblicalsense]

I understand you don't see therapy as an option on board because of your options, but maybe you could write it down? That might help your sorting.

I was keeping a journal for a long while before you came on board. I wrote out one sided conversations because it did help, at least a little.

I could ask the Admiral for a notebook only you can read? Fitz got me one for christmas... you could give that a try?

[reargunner]

[He scrunches his nose a little, unsure if he can entirely trust that.]

Only I can read it?

[At least he isn't dismissing the idea outright?]

[inthebiblicalsense]

I can show you mine, if you'd like? [He could even demonstrate writing a line if Alexei didn't trust it so he could prove that it worked.]

It makes me feel better, knowing that it's for my eyes only.

[reargunner]

[He frowns, still unsure, but he doesn't need a demonstration to trust that what Ethan is telling him is the truth.]

Okay. I mean— I'll try it. It's not like it can hurt anything.