TLV IC Inbox

[inthebiblicalsense]

[In a very serious, business tone, Abel's answering machine sounds after any attempted calls that aren't responded to right away.]

You've reached Abel. I am not available at the moment, but I'll get back to you as soon as I can. If this is urgent, leave the line open.

And if this is Fitz I hope you're having a good day.

Comments

[inthebiblicalsense]

[He doesn't have a solution for this, having been the person who was suddenly paired with their friend who adamantly didn't want it, but he knows someone who might.]

I can't really understand how you're feeling, but... Fitz was and still is my best friend.

When we were paired, he was extremely upset with me, but...I don't know. Maybe ask him about it? I can't promise he's going to have the healthiest insight about how to handle the situation, or if he's going to say anything meaningful, but we're mostly okay now.

[It's strange for him, being who he is and feeling the weight of responsibility, trying to ignore it for Fitz, because thats what he needs.]

It...Hurt, though. That change, on either side. I can at least understand that part, and I'm sorry it's happening to you. Just- know that anything I do for Fitz is because I love him, and want to keep him safe... he's my friend first, and maybe Jacob wasn't that close to you, but he protects his people.

It's not a sudden obligation to him to be there for you, that hasn't changed.

[reargunner]

I don't need Jacob to protect me. [Grumbled, annoyed, because he knows Jacob is like that but the pairing adds the sense of it being an obligation, a baked-in ulterior motive, even though that isn't the case.]

I just keep having to keep my mouth shut, 'cause if I say what I actually want to I'll only hurt his feelings and there's no fucking point. It won't change anything.

[He frowns down at the table.]

Just don't know what the Admiral was even thinking, forcing it onto either of us.

[inthebiblicalsense]

Do you think I think you need protecting, Alexei? I still want to... even though you're stronger than me, I don't ever like seeing you get hurt.

[He continues to lean, but not too much, enough space in his touch that he hopes the other man doesnt feel like he's crowding him.]

You're starting to sound like me, trying to rationalizing something that can't be rationalized. [He squeezes Alexei's knee gently.]

I know how it feels when you tell me 'stop that', so I won't but... that's a lot of work you're trying to do all by yourself.

[reargunner]

What work?

[He frowns a bit, not shifting from the contact but turning his head to look over at the other man.]

And— no, I don't, but that's different.

[inthebiblicalsense]

Rationalizing it, keeping your thoughts to yourself. But that's not... I'm think about myself, how I think, not you. I know it's different.

[He doesn't think this is helping, but if Alexei still wants to talk about it, he isnt going to change the subject quite yet.]

It doesn't come from the same place now, but it did. Jacob's military, if he doesn't see you as a civilian, which I doubt he does, you're like him in ways he can recognize, and so am I. Even when we hated each other he had my back in a crisis.

Just like I might have wanted to punch Phobos in his fucking face, but I'd still cover his ass in a dog fight. Or you were this raging asshole, all the time, but I wasn't going to let anything hurt you if i could help it, even before I loved you.

The Admiral has nothing to do with that. He might see it, but I have doubts he understands it as well as you or I can...

[reargunner]

I already fucking told him I'm not one of his army buddies.

[They had that conversation already, and Alexei managing to verbalise why he kept getting so frustrated seemed to help some, but it doesn't take away that unwanted connection forcing them both to be part of a system they aren't interested in participating in.]

... I don't want anything to do with being seen like that by anyone. [His brow furrows again.] I know—... we have similarities. But that isn't special. So do me and Arthur, or me and John. That isn't...

[Huff. He pinches the bridge of his nose then rubs his face quickly.]

I hate... I hate not having control over it. It's just—... another thing that's been pulled out of my hands.

[inthebiblicalsense]

[He at least can understand that kind of frustration. He thought he made choices for himself, had succeeded through his own merit rather than someone else orchestrating every bit of his life for the six years he'd been in the alliance. It had taken him almost a year to full accept that it had even happened at all, that he hadnt been in control.]

Would it help to focus on the things you do have control over?

I know you hate this, and I can't fix it, but I do want to help you. No one likes feeling helpless...

[reargunner]

I keep trying to do that. I do. I guess... it's why I came around to this.

[A small gesture at the tablet and the half-done sketches. He's quiet for a few moments.]

I can choose who I spend time with. Who my friends are. What I do with my day and when I do it. [There's an odd, forced evenness about his voice.] But it doesn't take the background noise away. That this place is just a prison, and I'm trapped here.

[He closes his eyes, takes a breath in and lets it out. His fingernails slowly disengage from where they'd dug into his palms.]

... Sorry. [Sigh.] I know you want to fix it, and I know you can't, and I know that's hard. I just can't pretend to be okay all the time.

[inthebiblicalsense]

Acting like and pretending things are fine feels safe...I know that, but... even if its uncomfortable for me? I don't need or want you to feel like you have to pretend with me all the time. That isn't fair to you.

[He gives him a gentle shake, attempting a smile.]

You don't usually talk to me about these things, and...honestly, even if it truly sucks, and I hate that you feel this way, I don't hate that you feel comfortable enough to say something.

I don't have to fix things, as much as I want to. You trusting me to listen, even though we both know im solution oriented, that's...this feels right. That you're not doing it by yourself.

[reargunner]

[He studies Ethan for a few quiet moments, then smiles softly and leans over to rest his head against the other man's shoulder. He nudges his head up gently into the curve of Ethan's neck.]

I know I don't have to do it all by myself.

[Alexei has been shown that, and he does understand, even if there are some things he still keeps under wraps.]

But— I'd like to be able to do more of it with you.