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[inthebiblicalsense]

[In a very serious, business tone, Abel's answering machine sounds after any attempted calls that aren't responded to right away.]

You've reached Abel. I am not available at the moment, but I'll get back to you as soon as I can. If this is urgent, leave the line open.

And if this is Fitz I hope you're having a good day.

Comments

[inthebiblicalsense]

[Abel exhales in near silent relief. His headache had persisted since the moment Alexei had been visibly distressed, and when he'd just left, it lingered. He's trying not to think about how seeing him well had started to sooth it immediately.

He will cross the room though, seating himself in front of one of the cups, breathing in a moment before looking up at him.] Alexei, I'm sure you have something you want to say, but before we get into that, I wanted to apologize to you, for what I said, or...well. I didn't come out the way I intended it to and I'm sure that didn't help it be any easier to swallow.

[reargunner]

[Following a few steps behind he waits until the other man is seated before he joins him, watching his face as he speaks. His brow twitches.

He realises he's probably going to have to give Ethan some grace to continue to fumble his way through this until they reach a point of mutual understanding.]

You did your best.

[Alexei will grant him that. He fiddles with the edge of his cup for a moment, then slides across and puts his arm around the other man's shoulders.]

I missed you last night.

[inthebiblicalsense]

Yes, well my best wasn't good enough and I still hurt you. [Not then, but that doesn't mean he's stopped learning.] But...thank you. I- I didn't mean for it to come out sounding like some ultimatum. That wasn't right.

[Just about to reach and grab his own tea, he freezes, not having expected him to want to touch, but welcoming it. His own hand comes up so he can hold onto Cain's, giving it a gentle squeeze.] I wish you would have stayed... but I can understand why you didn't.

[reargunner]

[He huffs softly through his nose.]

Would have made things worse if I did. I needed the space to just... figure some shit out.

[Though only for a night, which is definitely better by far than it could have been. He returns the squeeze with a small but hopefully reassuring one of his own.]

I want to hear what you have to say.

[inthebiblicalsense]

I know that's important, space...but when you need that, could you text me? I worry about you when you just disappear and don't say anything. It doesn't have to be much.

[The last time that happened he'd stayed awake most of the night, wondering where he was, worrying if he was okay and then everything had fallen apart the next time they'd seen each other.

The whole thing had felt all too familiar.

But, turning a little so that he can face him again, he isn't sure where to start he'd managed his apology, but the rest of it had gotten so derailed, it was a bit of a mess.]

What do you want to know?

[reargunner]

I wasn't—... doing it to punish you. I was upset with you.

[So sending a message to check in had really been the last thing on his mind even if it would have put Abel more at ease.

When he moves Cain drops his arm and moves his hands back into his lap, looking down at them for a moment. He takes a breath.]

... Telling somebody that you love them, that you want to be with them, then telling them that there's someone else without even checking they're okay with that kind of thing is a really fucking shitty thing to do, Ethan. And I know you're sorry about how it came out. But I want you to know exactly why I was upset enough to walk off like that.

[inthebiblicalsense]

I should have just written this all down. [He swears, it would be easier that way, and it isn't like he needs to hide the fact that he's over thought every process of this, but still missed key points that were very important. He's sure Alexei already knows.]

I was worried it would come off as insincere, or would freak you out if I was just reading from a script, but I know that's- I'm sorry. And thank you, for clarifying for me. I kind of already realized, but it's better...hearing it from you. It leaves no questions, I can't over complicate it if it's laid out.

[reargunner]

I'm sure you'd figure out some way to.

[Muttered, a semi-good natured grumble as he picks up his tea to swallow a mouthful of it. He lets the rim of the cup rest against his lower lip for a moment then sets it against his thigh.]

... I don't want you to resent me because I kept you from doing something that would make you happy. [He says quietly. This is the difficult part. The part that makes his heart start to pound again.] And I don't... want to lose you because I couldn't be a willing part of something that you want.

[Deep breath.]

And I have fucking tried, so hard, to be the person I could have been for you from the start. And if this is because I can't be enough for you then you should just tell me.

[inthebiblicalsense]

[He heard that, but he's letting it go. He knows his own tea is growing cold, but that's usually what happens when he's got tea and he's supposed to focus on a conversation and not burning his tongue or letting it go cold at the same time. He's usually so good with multitasking, but apparently it's difficult with hot beverages.

But when he talks, Abel listens, intently, trying to hold his tongue until he's finished.

Little breath in, soft sigh. Alright.]

I don't know where you've gotten it in your head that you aren't something that I need, but you? [He lets go of his hand, scooting close enough that their knee's touch, finger pressing firmly into his chest for emphasis.] You're irreplaceable, and anything or anyone that I might think I want, doesn't change that, and it doesn't cheapen it either. I'm sorry, sincerely, if I made you think differently.

And secondly, the person that you are? I saw him, little glimpses of him, for months back home and now? The more I know about you? The more I love you. I'm not going anywhere, if you'll still have me.

I'm not...I'm not ashamed of you, I chose to be here, I want to be here, and when we're done on this ship, I hope we'll go together.

Do you understand?

[reargunner]

[Need? He had never used the word need. Abel uses the word need and the use of it piques his attention immediately. He's rapt as he listens to everything that comes out of the other man's mouth and when he's done gives a small, clear nod.

Still not entirely sure on that last part, but... that's a conversation for another time, not now.

He glances down at his chest where Abel's fingers are pressing against it and catches hold of his hand again, just curling his own around it without forcing it to move.]

I do.

[Clearly a lot of that was just... something Abel needed to say. Though he'd not claim it wasn't good to hear it.]

And of course I'll still have you, Ethan, I just... I need to understand how things are gonna look from now on.

[inthebiblicalsense]

[Abel cant exactly say he's been great at being forward, direct, but if Alexei is expressing insecurity, that he is worried he isn't good enough, there is no reason to not switch tactic.

Having been told from a very young age that he needed to try harder, that his best wasn't always good enough, that what he wanted didn't matter, well. Hell if he is going to let Cain feel any of those things without making sure he knows exactly where he stands, opposite of them.

He waits a moment, following his confirmation before he lets his shoulders relax minimally. He'd been a little tight through that as every word was important, carefully chosen.]

I honestly don't think much will change. I could be way off, I've never done this before, but... what I can ask from you confidently, it isn't the same with...well-

[He doesn't want to freak him out again, but if he's asking logistics, he kind of has to tell him more about what he thinks he could get from a second person, doesn't he?]

Do you want to know what I'm expecting if I was going to tell him?

[reargunner]

[His eyes narrow, just for a moment, expecting a name to drop. A name he's already mostly sure he knows is going to come out when Abel finally decides to say just who this 'other person' is. He's not sure how he feels about it, still. How he's going to react when it's real rather than just something in his own head.]

I... yeah, I guess so.

[It isn't as if he's ever done this before, either. He's barely even open to the idea, only keeping a fragment of an open mind for Abel's sake.]

[inthebiblicalsense]

[He's trying to express this in smaller pieces, not to baby him, but to make sure he's okay each step forward. He doesn't want to have a horrible repeat of yesterday.

Though it's hard to admit it, even if he's sure that Cain had been aware the only person he'd been seeing other than him for a while was Norton, he'd only very recently allowed himself to branch out, opportunities arising that he couldn't help but fall into.]

I don't know how well you know Norton, but I'm bracing myself for rejection if I'm being completely honest.

When we first started he made it very clear it was strictly casual, that he was difficult, and I even tried taking a break from it, almost two months we were just friends, I wasn't seeing anyone and I think that only made it worse, how much I liked him.

And then shortly after I started sleeping with him again you arrived, and we were trying to fix our own mess... that took precedent because you're important to me, but it was kind of a disaster all around.

Fitz thought it was funny, but I've been stuck for months trying to figure out how it got so tangled in the first place.

[reargunner]

[Norton. Of course it's Norton. He knew it was and yet hearing it still prompts a flash of anger that sits uncomfortably in the centre of his chest. Dropping the name like that is sure as hell something that could have been done more delicately and the misstep is probably clear in the way he visibly grows tense.]

I'm--

[He closes his eyes for a moment. Breathes in, then out.]

... If you could be a little less like a verbal wrecking-ball about this, I'd appreciate it.

[Because he's not okay with it, not really. He's still not okay with it, and having it laid out so conversationally is hard to take.]

[inthebiblicalsense]

[He can see it, and is a little frustrated himself because he isn't sure what he's doing wrong.]

I don't think I know what you mean by that... I'm telling you what I was offered, which we've already said was okay, that I wasn't looking for anything and tried to stop it when I recognized what was happening.

What am I doing wrong?

[reargunner]

[Alexei just looks tired for a moment.]

You said you were going to tell me what you expected to happen when you told him.

[And he did that. He did that, and while he's expecting rejection, Alexei knows he's going to have to brace himself for the possibility that that expected rejection won't happen.]

I don't-- I don't need to know about what happened between you and him. Not the details, when it's already gonna be hard enough for me to look him in the face when I see him next.

[Which is... a pity, really, because he likes Norton.]

It changes things when you tell me that you want more from him. Don't you get that?

[inthebiblicalsense]

But I- [He shuts his mouth, knows he's interrupting. But he did that.

Without thinking much about it he squeezes their linked hands and closes his eyes so he can just listen.]

If it were me, I'd want to details. But, you're not me. I'm sorry I'll...I can pair it down.

[It just feels like he's not being completely honest if he purposefully leaves bits out.]

The only thing I'm planning to ask for is some open conversation. I...I understand this is hard for you, but sometimes I don't even know if he would say we were friends, given the right situation.

That's the more, Alexei. I'm not planning on running away with him, or...I don't know, expect he's going to confess his undying love for me. I just want to say something meaningful and not worry that it's too much.

[reargunner]

You're really trying to understand, I can see that, but... I don't think you do.

[Not really, because if he understood then he wouldn't be fumbling it so much. Alexei is trying to be patient, though, to an extent that he rarely is with anybody and certainly not when complicated emotions are involved.

He's already walked away from Abel once so he won't do it again... even if the urge to walk out and take ten minutes to get his thoughts level again is definitely there.]

You need to realise that I don't like the idea of sharing you with someone else like that. It—... it doesn't make me feel great. [And he won't pretend that it does.]

I'm gonna need to get used to it, if... you're determined that it's what you want.

[inthebiblicalsense]

[Abel sits a moment, letting what he's said roll around in his head. He isn't sure it will help, but...he's been so honest already, the more uncomfortable parts of himself might need some light shed on it for the both of them .]

You know, I'd love to say that if you asked me to, I would walk two doors over and tell him I have to stop, promise you I'm going to work on getting over this but...

Even if I did that I- [He sucks in a breath, trying to fight the discomfort, the way he can already feel it start to crawl over his skin.]

When you showed up here, I promised myself I wouldn't immediately fall back in bed with you, and it was practically the first thing I did. It was wrong that I did that, but I didn't even think about it when it was happening, how fucked up that was to do that to you. Not until you reminded me how for you it had been less than a day for you, even if it has been months for me.

A-and when I first got here, I promised myself I was going to relearn how to be by myself, prove that I was capable of saying no and I couldn't do that either.

Three days, Alexei.

That's how long my self control lasted, and I was so angry at myself but I... I want things, and I can't stop myself from giving into that any more. Not since I met you, and that terrifies me, but... I don't want to make a promise to you I don't know I can keep, and that isnt your fault, its mine.

[He finally glances up, feeling a little sick to have said it out loud, but he's been trying so hard to fix that part of himself and nothing has changed. It's important that he at least knows before he decides this is what he wants too.]

I'm sorry that you're having to pay for that when you shouldn't have to.

[reargunner]

[Again he listens quietly, takes it all in, exhales softly through his nose at the parts that sting more than they should. He remembers what Florian said, about how Abel was desperately seeking something he'd been denied his whole life and giving everything into that seeking, and... maybe he was more right than he could have realised.

Was it his fault? Or would this have inevitably happened to Abel anyway, here, with someone who wasn't him flicking that switch on and then slamming their fist straight into it to keep it that way.]

Give me a minute.

[He mutters the words out and stands up, but doesn't leave the room. Instead he walks back and forth a few times with his hands linked behind his neck, pacing in careful, measured steps. A minute or so passes and he sits back down, close enough to slide his arm around Abel again and pull him up against his side.]

Come here.

[Then he sighs.]

I'm not gonna be mad at you because you want things, especially when I'm part of that... problem. [... Huff.] And if someone you've been with here is making you feel... safe, and loved, and you want to love them back, then... I'm not gonna try to take that from you. Even if I don't really want to share.

[He nudges his nose against Abel's temple and kisses it.]

I just--... [Taking hold of the man's hand, he runs his thumb across the backs of his knuckles.] I don't want you to get hurt.

[inthebiblicalsense]

[When he gets up Abel pulls his legs up onto the couch, knees tight to his chest, cheek resting on top of them. It feels better that way, curling in while Cain paces, trying to keep his own breathing level.

It's good that he comes back so quickly, it gives his mind barely any time to start catastrophizing every possible outcome, what he might say when he sits down again.

Pulled to his side, he legs one of his legs fall, resting his head on his shoulder]

You're not the problem, you just...kicked down the door housing the problem. [He wants to make sure there is a distinction seeing as he feels it's important.

Even though what he's saying makes him feel lighter, it's a muted sort of happy in that once they're finished with this conversation, the one that has taken them two separate days and a lot of hurt feelings to have, he has to have another one after. He sucks in a deep breath and pushes it aside, finding a smile easily as he turns his head just so, giving Alexei a very soft, lingering kiss, their noses touching still as he pulls back just enough to look him in the eyes.]

Every potential reward has its risks, I just...got lucky when I took them with you. But I swear, Alexei, if I find out you're threatening to kill anyone if they hurt me, Norton included, I'm going to be very disappointed in you.

[He smiles, pressing it to his lips before adding softly.] But I think I can turn a blind eye to a little mild threatening...I think you've earned it.

[reargunner]

[He hums softly into the kiss, not entirely soothed but... mostly. Then he lets out a low little chuckle.]

I might just have to take your disappointment.

[Because he would definitely threaten to kill anyone, Norton included, if they hurt him. Right now he manages to keep a faintly humorous edge to his tone, though.]

Does 'if you hurt him your Death Toll will make you wish you were still dead' count as 'mild threatening'?

[Knowing that it absolutely does not, he smirks in amusement and lightly nudges their foreheads together again. It's difficult to tell just how serious he might be with that kind of threat even knowing how he would measure up against some of the people on the Barge.]

I think it's pretty fucking generous.

[inthebiblicalsense]

And I'll be far more than disappointed if you follow through with it, Alexei. [And while he's being entirely serious, the threat he comes up with has him balking, unsure whether to laugh or be mildly horrified.]

Alexei Ulovich Solovyov! That really shouldn't come to you so easily...god...

[He gives him a look, but there is the hint of a smile in his eyes. He's trying so hard not to encourage that, but it's hard to hide that he does kind of find it a little funny.]

Pick something else, please. That's too much.

[reargunner]

Wow. The whole name. And you didn't even butcher it that badly.

[He teases, squeezing Abel in against his side. Things like that do come to him all too easily, and the worst of it is that he'd actually follow through. That feral criminal isn't gone, just placated.]

Hmf. I'll have to think, then.

[Alexei looks up, making a show of thought.]

Something something to do with a shovel. I'll work on it. [Gently, he digs his fingers against Abel's ribs.] You okay?

[inthebiblicalsense]

I know how to say your name... [And he's been working on his pronunciation thank you, Alexei.] I'm going to write you a strongly worded letter in Russian, and then you won't be able to say anything snooty about it. [This is what happens when your partner is smart in very specific ways, Alexei. Some how they get used against you in petty little arguments.]

Something, something, throw you into next Tuesday and create a time paradox, destroying the barge and everyone on it... [Is his helpful suggestion before he has to pause and look at him, opening his mouth to say something but has to try again after he realizes he doesn't actually know.]

I...I feel lighter, and I'm- [a breath out, soft and frustrated.] I felt like...I should have split this up, had two separate conversations...asking where we were, and then asking about being open, and in what way? But the more I thought about it, the more I felt like if I didn't have both of them at once, you might feel like I tricked you...and I didn't know how to fix that...so all together won out.

I know I've already said I'm sorry, but I feel like I missed the mark, that some how I could have done this, found different words, and I wouldn't have hurt you.