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[inthebiblicalsense]

[In a very serious, business tone, Abel's answering machine sounds after any attempted calls that aren't responded to right away.]

You've reached Abel. I am not available at the moment, but I'll get back to you as soon as I can. If this is urgent, leave the line open.

And if this is Fitz I hope you're having a good day.

Comments

[reargunner]

Another groan. A little 'mrrgh' into Ethan's shoulder.

Then he props himself up on his elbow so he can look down at him. He looks... tired.

"Just had the worst fucking panic attack of my life."

[inthebiblicalsense]

oh.

"Do...you want to take a shower? That helps me when I'm feeling over whelmed. I can wash your hair?" He looks up at Alexei, eyes searching his face before he adds, "or, I can stop being solution minded and try to listen before you pass out. You look exhausted, Alyosha..."

[reargunner]

"I am. I just—..."

He makes a face. Frustrated. His eyes shift somewhere above Ethan's head for a moment as he pulls his thoughts together.

"I was just having a fucking smoke and it hit me out of nowhere. I had to call Lester. It felt— fuck."

A shaky breath in.

"It's never been that bad."

[inthebiblicalsense]

Abel sits up a little, propping himself and Alexei up on a couple pillows and shifts, indicating he still has space on his chest for Alexei if he wants to get comfy while they talk.

"You've been going through a lot." He says gently, one hand staying around him while the other starts to finger comb through his hair again, pulling his bangs out of his face. "I'm glad you called some one...I don't really like to think about it, but I had quite a few the first few weeks I was here. Specifically when we made port. It was...too much, all at once. I felt like I was dying and all it was, was crowds...the noise of it, being in a city again. I felt incredibly silly afterwards...but I don't think your mind cares how silly it might be when it starts panicking." Fitz had taken him, stumbling into an alley, stood in front of him to block him and his shaking self from view.

[reargunner]

He shifts a bit as Ethan does but makes himself comfortable again, frowning softly and watching the tips of his own fingers resting against the other man's chest.

"I've been having them... on and off, since I got here."

And it's never been that much of a problem before. Never something he couldn't just push his way through.

"Can usually tell what sets it off. Not this one, though. I was fine, then I wasn't."

[inthebiblicalsense]

Ethan frowns at the revelation, knowing he'd seen one or two himself, but- "Alexei... why didn't you say something?"

He can guess why, he's said before he didn't want to burden anyone with what he was going through already when he'd asked him to talk to someone about what was going on but... "You have friends, people who love you. Quietly suffering by yourself helps no one. Which I'm sure is rich coming from me im sure, but I am in therapy so I don't freak out all the time. There are other options..." he doesn't want to lecture him but really, sir.

[reargunner]

Alexei just huffs softly through his nose and prods one fingertip lightly against Ethan's chest.

"Don't lecture," he grumbles softly. They both know that he has absolutely no room to and truth be told his grumbling doesn't really have any ire behind it.

"You know therapy's not an option for me, especially not here." He shifts, resting his head more comfortably against Ethan's shoulder and curling against his side. "And it's not-- I can't just talk about shit like that. I've been handling it. Or I thought I was."

[inthebiblicalsense]

"I wasn't trying to. I just- you deserve to be cared for, including by yourself, and you're neglecting him." He returns quietly, giving his shoulder a squeeze.

"And I said there are more options, it doesn't have to be
therapy. I'm sure that isnt all there is."

[reargunner]

"Hmm."

He is tired, and it's still work to convince his head that he's not actually in any danger, but this is helping.

"Options seem pretty limited outside of that, from where I'm standing."

What else is there, realistically speaking?

[inthebiblicalsense]

"I'm not the professional. Just because you don't want to talk to Dr. Sheehan as a patient, that doesn't mean you can't ask him about options. I'm sure he has a few others outside of therapy, and that's letting your friend help you without asking too much of him." He returns softly, pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead.

[reargunner]

Siiiigh...

"I told you I tried talking to him not 'as a patient' before, yeah? It... felt weird. I didn't like it."

And he doesn't really expect that Ethan is going to understand his position on that or why he's reluctant to take that particular step. Still, at least he's not shutting down and dismissing the whole thing.

"I can't do what you do."

[inthebiblicalsense]

"Maybe not, but...I can ask for myself and tell you what he says?" If he can't, then Abel can.

"Fitz actually asked me if I'd ever considered medication for my anxiety and...I was a little put off by the idea, but I have been thinking about it. If he has other options aside from meds I'd like to know anyways, so it wouldnt be weird if I brought it up."

[reargunner]

"Mmf."

Alexei bumps his head lightly against Ethan's shoulder. He's frustrated with the whole thing and it shows.

"I don't-- Augh."

He sits up, curling one arm around a bent knee and scrubbing his hand against his face.

"I fucking hate this."

[inthebiblicalsense]

He sits up a little more, resting on his elbows and watches him struggle, unsure what he can really do to help.

"I'm sorry...I know it- it sucks, and it feels terrible. We don't have to talk about it. I...just want to help."

[reargunner]

He rubs his face again, his hand lingering in front of his mouth. As difficult as it is for Ethan to see, it's sure as hell not easy for him to process either.

"It's not... This isn't me trying to push you away. That's not what it is."

[inthebiblicalsense]

He watches him a moment, taking in his face, the way his shoulders are still tense. "I wasn't apologizing for that. You don't feel well. I was just saying we could come up with potential solutions later. It doesn't have to be now."

He could think of a hundred different things they could do to try and take his mind off it, but Alexei still looks exhausted. "Come back to me?" Not that he's far away, but he'd gotten up and he had felt him trying to relax under his fingers. He wanted to try again if he'd let him.

[reargunner]

There's a moment where he does stay sitting up, then he exhales slowly and closes his eyes, muttering a soft 'yeah, yeah, okay' as he drops himself down against Ethan's side again.

He settles there, shuffling a bit to get comfortable, and presses his forehead against the other man's neck.

"... Arthur made tea," he mutters, placing the palm of his hand over Ethan's heart. "It was nice."

[inthebiblicalsense]

He let's him get comfortable, gently rubbing at his back and shoulders when he's sorted. He puts his other hand over top Alexeis, running his thumb in gentle circles over his knuckles.

"I haven't really talked with Arthur, perhaps I should. And If you'd like more tea I can get up and make you some? I'm sure I've got decaf somewhere..."

[reargunner]

"Eugh—"

He shifts, moving so he can peer up at Ethan's face under his eyelashes.

"Decaf tea is disgusting and if you ever give it to me I'm throwing it down the drain."

Ethan, please.

[inthebiblicalsense]

Abel rolls his eyes, catching the other man's chin to tip his head up just that much more, "you are ridiculous."

He tips his head just so, kissing his nose with a smile, "but I wouldn't have you any other way."

[reargunner]

"Hmph..."

His eyelids dip a little when his nose is kissed, then he studies Ethan's face for a few quiet moments.

"You mean that?"

[inthebiblicalsense]

"You know I can't lie worth a damn." Even if he tried it would be even harder to do straight to his face.

"Of course I mean it. Like I said, you're ridiculous, and I love you." He considers the revelation he'd made with Sheehan, but keeps it to himself. He can tell Alexei he made the struggle worth something invaluable to him another day when he isn't so tired and worn.

[reargunner]

Despite what Ethan says, Alexei does look at him for some moments more as if he's searching for a lie. It's not a comment on Ethan's own thoughts so much as his thoughts about himself and where he stands in the other man's life.

One of a laundry list of things that has been on his mind of late.

"... Hmn."

Seemingly accepting it, he sets his head back against Ethan's shoulder.

"I still wish we could... start over, sometimes. You know?"

[inthebiblicalsense]

Ethan hums softly to himself at the thought, absently running his fingers through Alexei's hair.

"We could pretend we don't know each other in port and flirt like strangers in a bar?" It's more of a joke, but he doesn't think it wouldn't be fun. It probably would be.

"But...I understand. There's a lot here. It would be nice...wipe the slate clean. Except if we did, I'd forget things...like the first time I heard you laugh, or- or you throwing pillows at me for typing when I was complaining at you for chain smoking with the vent shut." He huffs a soft laugh, "the important stuff."

[reargunner]

"Why wait for a port? We can do that here."

They have a bar, after all.

He relaxes slowly under the sensation of Ethan's fingers running through his hair. It's nice. The tension drops out of his shoulders and his breathing levels.

"I used to wake up before you on purpose," Alexei says then. "Not just because I was starting to... I dunno. Feel things that I was avoiding. But... it meant I could watch you for a bit, without worrying about what you'd think if you noticed."